And honestly, the Honeymoon Phase is one of the best parts of a relationship. It's fun and exciting, and getting to explore a new person is a whole new kind of adventure. But eventually, things settle down. You kind of understand the other person - you know their pressure points, their insecurities, you know about their favorite childhood pet and whether or not they like onions on their burgers. But one of the biggest changes that occur is that when people start to get comfortable with another person, they stop trying to impress them all the time.
This is where the Honeymoon Phase can cause problems.
For example, I had a boyfriend who would text me "good night" every night before we went to sleep, and who would text me "good morning" every morning. The gesture was so sweet, and it made me happy every time he did it. For months, I got these texts. It got to a point where I had trouble falling asleep before I got his text because it was so constant a reminder that I was tired, I got conditioned to it making me sleepy. Legitimately - that's how much like clockwork this guy was.
And then, the Honeymoon Phase ended. And slowly but surely, he forgot to text me. And eventually, it got to the point where if he DID text me, it was a pleasant surprise. Even though this guy did absolutely nothing wrong, it processed to me that he was losing interest, and I - being the paranoid freak that I was - cried myself to sleep believing that he stopped caring about me. And for so long after that relationship and so many others, I believed that that was it: he literally just stopped caring.
But what ACTUALLY happened is that he set up some unrealistic expectations during the Honeymoon Phase that I processed as absolutes. Because see, had he NOT done that for me regularly in the beginning, it would not have phased me that it ended later.
Unfortunately, this isn't really something we can help. The Honeymoon Phase DOES create unrealistic expectations. When people are head over heels, going out of their way to make a gesture routine doesn't feel quite so tiring. Once that phase ends, though, loving someone takes on a new meaning. You don't NEED those gestures to say "I love you" because you both know each other well enough to know that no matter what changes, the love remains in place.
So here are three ways to combat that feeling that MAYBE your S.O. doesn't care as much anymore:
1. Talk to him/her.
TBH, my go-to, #1 solution will always and forever be communication. If you're worried about something, don't be afraid to ask your bae what he or she is feeling. But this next part is key: LISTEN TO THEM. So many times, I complained to my past boyfriend that he had stopped doing X, Y, and Z and he told me ten times over that he still loved (questionable) me and that nothing had changed. Naturally, I did not believe him and I let the feeling continue until the problem got to be way bigger than it should have been. Honestly, I'm going to say that you shouldn't expect the other party to keep doing these things - you should be secure enough in your relationship that they don't have to - but if you really want these small gestures to continue, say that. Just DO NOT let them make or break a relationship.
2. Recognize those Honeymoon Gestures early, and after the phase ends, keep identifying them.
Something I'm practicing in my current relationship is recognizing when Oliver does things for me that he probably won't feel so inclined to do once we've both gotten use to the other. For example, he likes to eat meals with me, and he always asks me if I want to go with him. There's a chance that this will continue for as long as he'll keep me, but there's also a chance that he won't always ask me and that maybe I won't always want to go with him. And you better believe that if that DOES happen, I'm not going to let it scare me into thinking he doesn't love me anymore. But when ANYTHING like this changes, before you get upset, remember that it could just be a Honeymoon Gesture that is retiring because your relationship is so good that it no longer needs it.
Disclaimer: Honeymoon Gestures are NEVER going to be things that a relationship needs, like physical intimacy or emotional connection or communication, et cetera. If your relationship starts lacking in one of these areas, you need to address this with your partner immediately.
3. Start new rituals.
Here's the exciting thing about relationships: it's easy to go in a new direction or change something if you want to. And when the Honeymoon Phase ends, things might start to settle down, but that doesn't mean that all of the fun stuff has to end. If you're feeling a little empty because your bae hasn't texted you to ask how you're doing after that last episode of The Walking Dead, start up a new ritual! Send him a selfie that's just a little revealing to get him thinking about you. He'll appreciate that. And likewise, men, it's so easy to make a girl happy - all she really needs is for you to send her a heart eyes emoji and she's over the moon. Starting new rituals won't save a broken relationship. It won't stand in the place of communication and really exploring your own emotions and why you feel them. But they can make that seemingly dull Post-Honeymoon Phase just a bit better, and it can be a super fun way to keep things exciting. Just don't be upset if this stuff doesn't "stick" - it's not supposed to.
Happy Honeymoon!
Erica
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