Hello there, beautiful readers that I've been imagining this entire time. Today, I'm going to talk about love. And I definitely mean the knock-your-socks-off, I-Wanna-Hold-Your-Hand ballad-worthy kind of love that begins with fireworks and ends with the rest of the universe.
Let's get a few things straight, though, before I jump into this:
A) I'm a typical, white female of 19 years going to a Baby Ivy-League college, but who hailed from The Capital-S-South. My experiences with love are completely and totally shaped by these circumstances and others surrounding them.
B) I DO NOT HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. I don't even have like...half the answers. I really just have maybe the small, pea-sized bit of toothpaste you're supposed to use amount of answers. (Note to self: Read that sentence tomorrow and make sure it still makes sense.)
But what I can tell you is that being a hopeless romantic is hard. Craving the fairy tale romance is hard. And it tends to lead to excruciating amounts of heartbreak. And you inevitably learn SOMETHING after all of this. So here's some of the lessons I've learned that I want to share with the world:
1. The language surrounding romance is ever-changing and confusing as hell.
The sheer number of terms to describe where you are in a relationship is so ridiculous. Are we dating? Seeing each other? Hooking up? Going steady? Together? Talking? Are we even friends? This causes a problem because based on how different people define these words, someone could assume that your relationship is more or less than YOU think it is. Maybe that isn't a terrible thing at first, but when you're suddenly popping the question to your bae and then he uncomfortably tells you that you were just hooking up for the past few years, suddenly the language surrounding your relationship needs some clarification.
And naturally, this is an extreme example. But some people think dating is an exclusive activity; you can only date one person at a time. Others think dates are definitely NOT exclusive, and that they are teasers for the possible (usually) exclusive relationship later. This distinction could be the difference between someone accusing you of cheating or not, right?
So how do we avoid this awkward mix up?
Unfortunately, it's really weird to sit down with your interest and say "I've compiled a list of terms, please define each one to the best of your ability and then for good measure star the terms that you feel define us."
Fortunately, there are ways to talk about this that don't feel quite as invasive. And even more fortunately, this conversation doesn't need to happen really early. You can definitely wait some time before you define your relationship with a person because the reason you do this is to make sure all parties are comfortable, and if you aren't yet comfortable defining your relationship, then there probably isn't much to be defining just yet!
2. Fairy tale romances do not exist.
And furthermore: anyone who tells you that they do are setting you up for heartbreak. A good girlfriend of mine was actually having this conversation with me a couple of weeks ago. We both decided that too many people - mostly young girls - go into their first few relationships with this notion of a "Prince Charming" who is pure and good and for all intents and purposes, perfect. And we both decided that this is THE FATAL FLAW for many of these romances.
Because what happens as soon as your prince accidentally forgets to text you good night? As small of a gesture it may be, it shatters that image of the perfect man you had in your head. The idea of Fairy Tale Romances is an illusion that helps you turn anthills into mountains. And when that happens, your bae will be running for the REAL mountains.
This girlfriend and I both also acknowledge that all romances have fairy tale MOMENTS. Sometimes, when you're laying under the stars and your hand finds his, it DOES feel like you're a Disney princess. And those moments are great. But not only would your relationship get boring without some sort of imperfection, but you would miss out on the littler moments that aren't so romantic but that make you happy. Maybe him taking you out for fast food and laughing when you spill your drink all over yourself doesn't feel like the romance Hollywood leads us to believe is "correct", but later, when he teases you for it and then you realize that he still loves you even when you smell like french fries, it will feel more real and much more substantial than any pumpkin-turned-carriage.
3. Some problems aren't the type of problems you can "handle".
I dated a guy named James, and he was - at the time - the epitome of everything I thought I wanted. He was this beautiful boy with dark hair and dark eyes. He played piano masterfully, and he was so intelligent. He cared about people and wanted the world to be better. He was very much the foil to my boyfriend right before him. My relationship with James was often the kind that other girls would envy. His grandmother kept a pint of ice-cream just for me. I'd serenade him with Sara B and he'd play to accompany. We'd do spontaneous things just for the sake of being together, and whether we were talking about movies, politics, or ourselves, the conversation always felt natural and great.
So why aren't I dating him now? Why on Earth would I have ever let that slip away? The answer is just a bit heartbreaking: James had a couple of major character flaws, the biggest being his need to avoid confrontation. Often times, the advice is that if there's something you don't like about the person you love, you get over it. Often times, that advice is legitimate. If you don't like the way your guy always plays a mage class in Skyrim, that's something that you can overlook. (Or maybe not - I'm not judging!) But some flaws can't be overlooked. For some girls, the fact that James avoided confrontation is a good thing. Those girls can have him. For me, someone who always needed complete honesty, even if there was a chance I'd be upset, that kind of flaw is one that can't be overlooked. And sure enough, despite the fact that I tried to tell myself it would be fine, our relationship ended messily and with lots of tears. Years later, I STILL hate the way that relationship turned out. But here's the thing: As much as I wish that relationship had gone differently, it taught me so much about myself. It taught me that I'm not the type of person who can date anyone. I DO have specific needs from my significant other, and if those needs aren't met, I'm not capable of staying with that person.
So please, here's my request: If you're in a relationship that is determined to fail due to major personality differences, don't try to make it work. Optimism is futile, and it could ruin you on optimism in a lot of places that it shouldn't. So be careful out there, reader. <3
4. You have to get to know yourself before you can be in a healthy relationship.
I had always heard that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. I don't have to be a psychologist to tell you that is utter bullshit. The message is nice - people SHOULD love themselves. But loving yourself is not a lifetime guarantee. Loving yourself, just like loving anyone else, can be skewed in multiple different directions over time. And just because you're going through a period of self-hate doesn't mean you also have to go through a period of hating everyone else. I would argue that quite the opposite, it can be easier to love others when you don't know how to love yourself. And when those people love you back, it can be the difference between finding that self-love or not.
Here's the bottom line: You should never rely on someone else to love you. You should never base your opinion of yourself solely by what other's think about you. If you want to be happy, you have to go on this journey alone - but that doesn't mean you can't have a significant other holding your hand.
Similarly, knowing who you are is a very fluid phenomenon. You aren't going to be the same person ten years from now, so don't think you need to know yourself inside and out before you can accept a date from cutie in Hall 5A. But honestly, self-awareness goes a long way in a relationship.
I have spent the past year and a half single. Sure, sometimes it felt lonely. Sometimes, I considered calling up a few guys who I knew would take me on a date just because I was getting bored. But if I learned anything in my time away from men, it's that I'm such a great, happy person without a man. I did some maintenance on my heart, and realized that so many of my past relationships ended because I didn't know myself well enough to understand when I was being paranoid and when I legitimately had a reason to be upset.
And now? I feel much more confident in my ability to be in a relationship. I know my faults, and I know how to handle them before they turn into major problems. And so now that I'm almost at the point of consistently dating a really great guy, I can be excited for a relationship, rather than worried that I'll mess it up.
So here's to you, reader. Go forth and be merry.
Erica
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