I can see it already: today will be spent being miserable, avoiding meaningful contact with other humans at all times possible with the exception of Bethany. I feel as if I have been enveloped in darkness, spiraling down towards the Void. More than anything, I need an adventure of my own. I know that continuing on in day-to-day routine is going to drive me crazy if I don't find some way to relieve some of the pent-up insanity in me. All I want is Gandalf to show up at my door, ready to take me on a fighting adventure complete with goblins and orcs. Or for the Doctor to bump into me and decide to take me on his adventures into the deepest realms of time and space. Anything. Something with a happy ending, but a suspenseful buildup.
When I was younger, I didn't understand reading. Unlike my best friend, I found my pleasures more so in movies - the pretty pictures told more of a story to me than words. But within my middle school life, I realized how naïve that mindset was. I didn't understand reading because I didn't understand that not everyone would like every book, as my best friend seemed to. She got praise for reading Gone With The Wind in 5th grade, and after trying it myself I was under the impression that reading was - and always would be - that difficult and, well, boring. (Side note: I still have no desire to pick up Gone With The Wind and I doubt I ever will. Oh well.)
So when younger Erica picked up the Harry Potter series, determined to read all the books but not exactly *excited* about doing all that exhausting work to finish, she was thrilled to find that from the first sentence on the first page, she was hooked.
From that point, I read through the entire series much slower than the average devoted-HP fan, but at a rate far beyond what I would have imagined for myself. And at the end, I realized why Taylor would read and keep reading until she couldn't anymore. I realized how her 5th-grade brain managed to decipher and appreciate Gone With The Wind. Reading is an addiction, and once you read one book that catches you, at the end, you need something else to fill that space.
And that, dear friends, is what I have been experiencing ever since - I will go through dry periods where I'm really just too busy to read for pleasure, but then a certain book will come out that I feel obligated to read and thus begins the downward spiral.
And it has happened again.
Last night, I finally got around to finishing Allegiant. I know why it took me so long. I had suspicions. I knew Veronica Roth on a personal level. (Side Note: Not really. She's just super active with her fanbase.) I knew what she was capable of, I mean hell - we all saw it in Divergent. BOTH of Tris's parents and then Will? To think Veronica would give us a happy ending was wishful thinking at best. So when I began the book and realized that the handful of characters left were my favorites, I realized that no matter how the book ended, I wouldn't be sleeping well that night.
I think that is ultimately what kept me from finishing it faster. The entire beginning of the novel was fast, which gave just enough suspense to keep me worried for my babies - Uriah. Caleb. Tobias. Tris. I had my suspicions for a while, too. As soon as Roth announced that the book would be switching between Tris and Tobias's POV, I made the mental connection that that would be a way to bypass killing off the main character. I realize that the POV had other, more important purposes, but let's be honest - you can't switch that POV and then NOT throw in a heart-wrenching death.
What solidified my suspicion was the way Tobias romanticized her. This was a relatively new dynamic to their relationship. Obviously he loved her in the first two books, but we really only see him perceive her as strong, independent, etc. We don't see so much of the "you're so beautiful and I just want to marry you" way of thinking. That comes across so boldly from the beginning of Allegiant, and it clued me in that Tris wouldn't make it. It wouldn't be true literary justice to over-romanticize a character who lives in the end. We've all seen what kind of literature THAT turns into *coughs Twilight coughs*.
Then, the novel took a strange turn. Suddenly, things were moving very slow. The plot was at a virtual standstill, and I was beginning to wonder if I had reached the end and the second half of the book would be acknowledgements. I was beginning to get frustrated with Veronica. As much as I feared losing the characters, expecting what wasn't coming was just cruel. I felt cheated out of a heartbreaking, memorable story. I felt like all the series had led up to was Tris and Tobias fighting over stupid stuff and Tris harboring hatred for her brother that - while I completely understood why - I felt was just slightly misplaced.
When Nita entered the picture and then left so suddenly, I began to feel split between my emotions. At least the plot was moving now, but it didn't seem to go anywhere. Just more of everyone walking around wondering what to do next. And oh look, Tris and Tobias are fighting more. Then Uriah. My first baby. The boy who provided comic relief in my most desperate times with the first two books (mostly Divergent because Marlene). The boy whose smile would fill up the room, er, page. The boy who lived. No wait, that's Harry.
Anyway. URIAH.
I wasn't as upset as I thought I would be. Honestly, my brain was grasping at any silver lining it could find. Critical condition? PSH. Uriah can overcome anything. He won't die. He can't die.
And at the same time, a tiny piece of me wanted it, because while I loved him, I didn't love him quite as much as OTHER characters, and if he died, that essentially saved another character, in my twisted form of logic. Caleb was the character who, from the very beginning, I needed to stay safe. He was the one who I continued to love even after his betrayal. I needed him. I still need him.
Finally, the plot kicks into full speed. Plans are made to destroy the Bureau's plan. (I will admit that I am slightly upset that this wasn't better executed. Tobias has a very valid point - it wasn't right to steal anyone's memories, and it almost seemed like Tris and her gang were playing God, but I guess I see both sides. I just wanted that inner struggle, I guess.) Tobias was going to try and save Chicago from chaos. Erica was at the edge of her seat way past her bedtime, both desperately needing and dreading the ending.
And Caleb. My baby. He was marked to die.
But I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind. I knew he wouldn't. Because I knew Tris wouldn't let that happen. I knew when Tobias saw her dead in his fear landscape. I knew when she talked of their future together, and when he joined in with that happiness. I knew when she realized that she didn't want to die - I knew it would be her.
So when she pulled the gun on Caleb and ultimately took his place, my tears fell but my brain was just scolding me for letting myself believe it could have been any different.
And then, not a second later, I was grasping for the threads of the silver lining again. She KNEW she would survive the death serum. She is special. She will survive. I was positive. I was right. Tobias - he would come back and they would grow old in a small farmhouse in the reconstructed, reborn America. They would have two children who they would love. Tobias would occasionally struggle with his past but would ultimately turn into the man he always wanted to be because Tris allowed him to be free. Caleb would realize that their bond is bigger than anything and he would give her a huge hug at the end and they would live their lives happily, having forgiven each other; themselves. Uriah would wake up. And while I'm at it - Tori and Natalie and Andrew would all wake up from their not-deadness and be awesome and happy and the world would live on in freakish, Twilight-sucking happiness.
But that's not what happened.
Tris survived the serum. And was killed by something she knew too much already. A tiny bullet stopped her. Not in the first book, not in the second, but in the third. By a man in a wheelchair who was in love with her mother. He killed her parents. He killed her. He killed me.
Reading Four's reaction was as heartbreaking as I had imagined. The chapters were short, like my breaths. The pain came and went but the blurred vision continued, tears coming in exaggerated bursts and stopping long enough to get through another paragraph or two.
Evelyn chose him. Evelyn chose him. He has his mother. That's what he wanted.
No. He wanted Tris. He would have chosen Tris over his mother.
He has a happy ending.
He has a terrible ending.
He'll survive.
I'm not sure if I want him to.
I felt like I was experiencing a Sméagol/Golum complex. A part of me wanted him to die, too. He needed to be with her. I HAD to believe they would be together. But my heart could not have handled that.
I was screaming at him when he held that memory serum. Thank God for Christina because that would have ended me.
More than anything, I need another book. I need a book to get my mind off of this one. A book that will get me attached to different characters, have me staying up late caring for someone other than Uriah. Tris. Everyone.
I just need to go on an adventure.
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