How To: Have A Healthy Relationship

First, a disclaimer: I am not an expert. I'm only a mere 19-years-old, and my current relationship is actually the only relationship I have to go on in terms of health. But, with all my previous, and somewhat unhealthy relationships, I've learned quite a bit that I would like to pass on:



1. Love is not a constant emotional high. In the beginning, love feels like a whirlpool. On your first few dates, the first few kisses...all of the big firsts are of course going to hold a significant amount of emotions. Not all of them will be totally positive: there will be some anxiety, some nerves, possibly some insecurity, and maybe even a little fear. Falling for another person is so scary. But then, after a few months, maybe longer and maybe shorter, those emotions kind of fade away. You get used to that person being around all the time. You tend to figure out how they will react to things, and when it all slows down, it's easy to feel, well, bored. And when that happens, it's easy to see someone else and think "Wow, I wonder what it would be like to go through all that excitement again." The beginning stage, the honeymoon stage...those are fun. But love shouldn't keep being such an emotional high. One of the best things about my current relationship is that I can come home to him and it's completely relaxing. Maybe we read together, maybe he plays a game while I do some work. But in the end, his company is a wonderful thing. I worried for a while that something was wrong since I wasn't feeling so intensely about everything, but this is one of the biggest myths that Hollywood sells. Sure, you'll have moments. If your SO proposes to you, that will be an emotional high. But if it was ALWAYS that way, it would be pretty exhausting.

2. Talking to the other person is so helpful. We've all heard it: communication is key. This is something that I tried to work into my last relationship and I immediately saw improvements. (That relationship was doomed to fail for other reasons.) With my current boyfriend, I'm having to re-learn what healthy communication is, and it's not the easiest process in the world. Luckily, he's being patient with me. And every time we really talk, I feel like we move infinitely closer to the relationship ideal that I'm after.

3. Have goals for where you want your relationship to go. This isn't like, your goal is to get married. This is a bit more abstract. Firstly, and this is important: don't make your goals unrealistic. When I first got together with Oliver, he said "I'm a pretty low-key guy." and I like large gestures. So naturally, this isn't my favorite thing about him. But I never had any mind to "change" this about him. More so, I made it a goal to overcome my need for these grand gestures. After a few introspective looks inward, I realized that this need stemmed from insecurity; a need for validation. So instead, I try to understand the ways in which Oliver gives validation.

4. A relationship is not for working on the other person - it's for working on yourself. I think that one of the most fundamental ways in which you can gauge the health of a relationship is to really look at how much you have improved personally. No human is perfect, but being with the right person can help you really battle important obstacles within yourself. Like above, the challenges that presented themselves early on in my relationship encouraged me to look at why I felt that way, and made me face some things about myself that really needed attention. Obviously, staying with Oliver won't eventually make me perfect, and of course I still occasionally relapse into the same girl I was before I met him, but it's a good feeling when you know that you've faced a lot for another person.

5. You need you-time. There comes a point in every woman's life where she must stay single for a while until she learns to be happy and comfortable in that position. During this time, she needs to focus solely on herself. She needs to explore her desires, her boundaries, etc. After this, relationships get way easier. After a few tough breakups, I was single for about a year and a half. A lot of that time was spent agonizing about why I couldn't find another boyfriend, but then, something magic happened: I realized that I didn't really care. I realized that I could be spending that time doing things that I needed to do for myself. And by the time I got to college, I was ready to date again. And as if the universe was looking out for me, I found someone not too long after I realized it was time to play the field again.

6. Your SO should not be the center of your universe. Damn, I can't imagine spending much more time with Oliver than I do now. I love him beyond anything, but even people in love need some time away from each other. Some of the best days I have involve spending a little time with Oliver in the afternoon, heading out to play some games with friends that evening, and then coming back in time to say goodnight to Oliver. I am an extrovert, so I need time with people. If you are constantly wrapped up with your boyfriend and can't make time for others, then something is unhealthy and it needs to stop.

7. There are arguments worth having, and arguments not worth having. Learn to distinguish between the two prior to getting into a serious relationship or something stupid may end it.

8. Share your likes with your SO, and let him/her share their likes with you. Oliver and I switch between two shows - Doctor Who and Steinsgate. I am showing him Doctor Who, and he is showing me Steinsgate. We both love to talk aboout each other's shows. The relationship should be equal, and a good way of making sure of it is by equally listening to each otehr and engaging in activities that the other enjoys.

9. Your SO does not need to be exactly like you. I remember at one point or another in my youth saying that I could never be with someone who doesn't fully enjoy music as much as I do. Oliver does not. Whereas music is likened to blood in my veins, for him, it's merely something he listens to while doing something else...maybe. Do I find this mindset bizarre? Of course I do. Do I think it means we shouldn't be together? That would be ridiculous. If you're looking for someone who is exactly like you, then a mirror is a good place to start. Your SO should be expanding your horizons, not confirming them.

10. ADVENTURE. Look, this one may not be as relevant to everyone else, but for me, it's a must. I want to see the world. I want to explore and try new things and have stories to tell. But I want to do that with Oliver, and he wants to be there with me. That is the most important thing in my relationship. Oliver is willing to be dragged to Bali so we can see the temples, and for that, I am eternally grateful. Go do things with your SO. Experience this world together. I think there is no better way to continue falling in love than to fall in love with the world around you.

Take these or leave them; love is different for everyone and so long as you are honest with yourself, your judgment about the health of your relationship is all that matters.

- Erica

PS. If you feel like your relationship is not healthy at all, if your partner is physically or emotionally abusive, if you feel unsafe and like you don't have a safe way out of this relationship, please get help by calling 1 (870) 799-7233, the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Stay safe, and know that people are here to help. <3