Emotions + College

They're very strange - these feelings I've had in the past few months. It's this weird mix of just about everything you can come up with. Sadness, happiness, anger, confusion, fear, excitement, determination...the list could go on forever.



I've been so proud of myself in some moments. When people come up to me and tell me how I've inspired them to reach higher than they thought they could - that makes me feel like I've made a difference, and that feeling is what I live for.

Because the fact of the matter is, I am a girl from a small, middle-of-nowhere school in the south that no one has ever heard of. The people who are deemed most likely to succeed are the people who go on to the private colleges that are crazily expensive: Hendrix, Harding, et cetera. The majority of them go to UAM or somewhere similar. Then there's me. I have almost a full ride to a "Baby Ivy". I made my dreams come true. I am going to move 1200 miles away to the second biggest city in the United States, where I will study whatever I freaking want to study because I have job security just because of the school I'm going to.

I'm living out the American Ideal right now, and I know so many people who would kill for this.

So why, then, am I terrified?

I feel so crazy, talking to people about this. I feel like I'm already being shut out because I've achieved things that not everyone can achieve. I feel like if I try to discuss the negative feelings I have, people just get so annoyed with me. I feel like a spoiled brat.

But the truth is - I am so scared. I am leaving everything I have ever known behind. I'm going somewhere I have never been, and I'm going to live there while all of my friends and family stay here in Arkansas. I'm leaving things that I've dedicated a huge part of my life to. The Youth Service Fund - gone. CCYM and DCYM and Conference in general - gone. People who fill my soul with joy, like Jake and Bo and COnnor and Dillon and Odessa and Tatiana - gone.

And on top of the things I've been preparing myself to say goodbye to, I've also made so many friends that I'm not ready to leave. The junior class, for example...this time last year, I couldn't stand but maybe TWO of them. Now, I'm kind of sad to know that I won't be in class with Austin Camp a year from now. That's CRAZY.

And my youth group! Since December, I have gotten to know and love so many of them. Every Wednesday is a gift from God because they all mean so much to me.

I know I'll make new friends. I know I'll make TONS of new friends. I'm not too worried about that. I just can't bear the idea of leaving the ones I've made now behind. Especially when many of them are people I've wanted to be friends with for years.

Dear God, I desperately hope that these feelings are natural. I hope I don't cry too much at graduation.